Homo In SloMo (or, A Call for Thoughtful Suggestions)

The thing about recovering from ball surgery is that even when you're going at top speed, you still look like you're moving in slow motion.  In my case, this situation is being exacerbated by a somewhat personal problem of the wardrobe-malfunction type.

Like most Guppie's -- gay yuppies for those outside the bubble --  my go-to undergarment is the 2xist brief.  It's the Little Black Dress of Little Black Briefs amongst The Gays.  If you don't believe me, take a field trip to the P Street Whole foods today after work, and keep an eye on the waistlines of well-groomed 20-40 something men as they reach for anything on the top two shelves throughout the store.  Eight out of ten times when one of those Mo's does a Reach and Stretch (patented), a small black 2xist-branded waist line gives a little "Hey Gurl!" to anyone caring to notice.


The incision from Thursday's Leftee-ectomy is a few inches long at just about the place that the aforementioned waist band hits.  Meaning that for the time being, the incision is like kryptonite for my Little Black Briefs and their Lift-and-Separate-Superpowers (Blast!). 


The objective now, is to find an option that will fit without hurting, and take the following into consideration: 

• Freeballing is not an option right now.  New Leftee is a bit heavier than his predecessor, and everything's hangin' a little differently right now.  Plus, summer is already sizzling in the city, and this is a time of year when everyone's battling chaffing - apparently, none more so than those with newly minted junk.  Then of course, there is the issue of the incision, which, in addition to being a sartorial inconvenience (Le sighhhh), is also still a bit sore and in need of a little packaging.   

• Next Obvious Question: Is Peter Dinklage working this summer?  He's the guy that plays the hot, scheming Hand of the King in HBO's Game of Thrones.  He also happens to be one of the most famous (and smokin' hot) little people in the world. If he happens to be available, and willing to play the Hand of the Queen for a bit, we might be able to work out a support system that way.  Presumably, in addition to gently cupping my delicates in his hands, he'd also be able to fill a much-needed security role by yelling at/scaring off small children, dogs and anyone else who might be inclined to bump into me while I'm walking the streets of the city (the incision has me playing defense quite a bit at present).  Also, this solution would mean endless hours of punnery about Mr. Dinklage holding my dinklage in place.  Clearly, this is the best possible solution to the situation at hand.  

• As God as my witness, I will not wear boxers with martini glasses on them.  There was a darker time in my life...back when I was a starry-eyed midwestern boy.  During this time, J Crew boxers with their bright colors and fun patterns ("Palm trees on boxers?!? = AWESOME") were the end all.  I cannot - NAY - WILL NOT - go back.  

• Where does this leave us?  The Suggestion Box is Open.  For the time being, I'm going to swaddle my bits in an old pair of high-waisted boxer briefs, which have an elastic waist band that hits somewhere near my armpits.  But this can't be the best option out there.  C'mon people - I know one of you must have the answers...thoughts? Suggestions?  Support of any kind?  Hit me.

In the meantime, I think I've earned myself another percoset.